Apr 13, 2013

Theatre of the fucking absurd Game day (Preview and Open Thread) ~ Playoff-bound Habs vs. circus of cockroaches bread & butter team

~ ~ ~
Scene opens with pjiji sitting on a mound of shit, trying to remove his boot from his ass. mclamo approaches him.
BOBBIBON: Nothing to be done.
ARMSTRON: Did you ever read the blue Bible?
BOBBIBON: The blue Bible . . . (He reflects.) I must have taken a look at it.
ARMSTRON: Do you remember the Gospels according to Hewitt?
BOBBIBON: No.
ARMSTRON: Shall I tell it to you?
BOBBIBON: No.
ARMSTRON: It'll pass the time, lotsa fucking time. (Pause.) Two leaf, crucified at the same time as Their FranCHise Saviour™.
BOBBIBON: Their what?
ARMSTRON: Their FranCHise Saviour™. Two leaf. The Next One® is supposed to have been kissed and the other . . . (he searches for the contrary of saved) . . . tracked.
BOBBIBON: Saved from what?
ARMSTRON: Hell.
BOBBIBON: (with exaggerated enthusiasm). I find this really most extraordinarily interesting.
ARMSTRON: But one of the five says that only The Next One® of the two was kissed.
BOBBIBON: Well? They don't agree and that's all there is to it.
ARMSTRON: But all five were there. And only one speaks of a leaf being kissed. Why believe him rather than the others?
BOBBIBON: Who believes him?
ARMSTRON: Everybody. It's the only version they show.
BOBBIBON: People are bloody ignorant apes.
He rises painfully, goes limping to extreme left, halts, gazes into distance off with his hand screening his eyes, turns, goes to extreme right, gazes into distance. ARMSTRON watches him, then goes and picks up the shit-laden boot, peers into it, drops it hastily. CHarming spot. (He turns, advances to front, halts facing morgue-like auditorium.) Inspiring prospects. (He turns to ARMSTRON) Let's go.
ARMSTRON: We can't.
BOBBIBON: Why not?
ARMSTRON: We're waiting for Keon.
BOBBIBON: (despairingly). Ah! (Pause.) You're sure it was here?
ARMSTRON: He said by the tree. (They look at the tree.) Do you see any others?
BOBBIBON: Where are the leaf?
ARMSTRON: It must be dead. He said Saturday. (Pause.) I think.
BOBBIBON: (very insidious). But what Saturday? And is it Saturday? Is it not rather Sunday? (Pause.) Or Monday? (Pause.) Or Friday?
ARMSTRON: (looking wildly about him, as though the date was inscribed in the CotU landscape). It's not possible!
BOBBIBON: Or any day?
ARMSTRON: What'll we do?
BOBBIBON: Let's hang ourselves immediately!
~ ~ ~
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Get your cbcickness bags ready FHFers.
~ ~ ~

197 comments:

  1. the Maritimer9:33 AM

    Bravo!!!! Clap! Clap! Clap!

    Best parody picture I've ever seen!!

    DIE LEAF DIE!!

    FUCK OFF COCKROACHES!!

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  2. Great stuff. Okay, our boys need to make a statement tonight. Take no prisoners and squash the fuckers.

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  4. The Saint10:44 AM

    It's gonna be quite the splooge-fest tonight. Better wear some goggles if watching the pre-game show.

    You know, there's a lot of talk by Leaf fans about the potential of a Habs-Leafs 1st round series (you know because the 'class of the east' will clearly win the northeast). While I admit to thinking that would be most 'epic' and terrifying (should the leaf somehow be victorious...not to mention the insanity of the mediots), a better plan is if the Habs could begin tonight and end 2 weeks from now an 8 game losing streak for the leaf, knocking them out of the playoffs on the final day of the regular season. Now THAT would be epic.

    GYMFHG!!!!GYMFHG!!!!GYMFHG!!!!GYMFHG!!!!GYMFHG!!!!GYMFHG!!!!GYMFHG!!!!GYMFHG!!!!GYMFHG!!!!GYMFHG!!!!GYMFHG!!!!GYMFHG!!!!GYMFHG!!!!GYMFHG!!!!GYMFHG!!!!GYMFHG!!!!

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    1. Goggles, umbrella AND a wetsuit.

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  5. the Maritimer11:03 AM

    Not only will we have to endure the leaf jizzfest tonight (which I'm strangely looking forward to) but also.....chrisfuckinglee.

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    1. OMG this is total bullshit, check that guy for leaf tattos

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    2. leaf tats if your a hipster.

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  10. mariolemagnifique1:15 PM

    It's career day in elementry school where each student talks about what their dad does. Little Johnny is last, and finally the teacher calls on him to talk about his dad. Johnny comes to the front of the class. 'My daddy is a dancer at a gay bar. He takes off his clothes for other men, and if they pay him enough money, he goes into the alley and performs sex acts on them.' The teacher is shocked, and she calls for an early recess for the rest of the class. She sits down with Johnny and asks him if this is really true about his dad. Johnny says; 'No, but I was too embarrassed to say he played for the toronto maple leaf.

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    1. the Maritimer2:44 PM

      I'm not sure I entirely believe the Warren Commissions findings.

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  15. the Maritimer2:47 PM

    So Tiger was assessed a two stroke penalty for an illegal drop yesterday. I'm sure Lindsey Vonn will give him a couple extra strokes to make up for it.

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    3. can I just say this one last time, Golf is a pastime, I grant EPSN exculsive coverage of me arranging my hockey cards

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    5. the Maritimer3:50 PM

      The only hockey cards I collect now are Habs rookies and team sets. Oh, and any player who has played for the Sea Dogs.

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    6. We should talk the M. I have some dupes of Patrick Roy rookies (sealed) I could move.

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    7. the Maritimer5:18 PM

      OpeeChee?

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  21. Cohen in London singing Suzanne, sounds good

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  22. you want to travel with me, and you want to travel blind, for you know you can escape him, for he has touched your perfect team with his mind.

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  23. live blogging a saturday afternoon, and I expect it is better for some than the Masters, if you follow golf your a duffer.

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    1. not to say I would not pay a fortune to buy back certian times

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    2. like the time I watched Oprah

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    3. do not be too hard on me , it was before remote control, you had to walk up to the cable box and punch a selection.

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  25. the Maritimer3:53 PM

    Steve on a roll, moe's going to have to star a new thread tonight. With the leaf involved it was inevitable.

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    1. one thing we know about Moeman, is that at heart he is a boyscout, always prepared.

      there is no better way to tell someone about the human experience.

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    3. the zero gravity bra, another useless product

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  27. Just to break up the monotony of this Stevefest, I thought I'd chip in with a minor leaf rant. I say minor rant because if I am honest, they don't deserve any more of our time than that. We all understand that to be a leaf fan is a very sad state of being. Reality has long passed them by and they live in a land where they are fed a full on diet of bullshit and lies. The theory being that if they say the leaf are a good hockey team long enough they will eventually become one. It's been 45 years since they have been a good hockey team. Now they are just the leaf. The only reason that they are actually in a playoff position this late into April is because of the lockout. Hell they have already held the parade at least 3 times this season. But if this was a normal season they would have done their annual swan dive into Lake Ontario by now. They just haven't had enough games to fade out of the picture and let serious hockey teams get involved. Last week I was forced to watch the leafbc ffed in english and I will not do it again! As much as I am not a huge BB fan, anything is better than cherry and mclame.

    So tonight I expect the Habs to keep their foot to the floor like it was against Buffalo. Now is not the time to let up. They don't need to get too physical with the leaf either. Just play the game they have played to secure a playoff spot and be in first place in the Northeast. That hockey will handle the leaf. It will shut those fucking idiots up and it will let us move on to better, more important things.

    Go Habs Go!! Go Habs Go!! Go Habs Go!!

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    1. Recent history of our beloved Habs has made me reiecnt, and the NHl in General is filled with player who are interchangable. But to continue my Stevefest, can we charge more for that? I say
      GYHG GYFG.

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    2. I have been trying to say something all afternoon. Its relevant to the Cotu, and the postmedia, Karl fuck media.
      Its about stars in bars and a hot women getting arrested and pregnant. Its the anglo saxon horror show that we all iherited and can not pass off as a bad gene. So do not hate what you see, hate what made you watch it.

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  28. There isn't anything very nice about being a leaf fan is there? Living in the the land of delusion they actually spend their days thinking that they will lift the Stanley Cup at the end of the season. Can anyone who follows or participates on this blog think of a more horrible site? I've given myself a headache just by writing this. I feel unwell...

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    1. Drinking helps. Also, just laugh at them, it really irritates their arrogant delusional state.

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    2. Drinking and laughing...why didn't I think of that? Right - I'm on it then!!

      Go Habs Go!! Go Habs Go!! Go Habs Go!!!

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    3. totally true story, I was not going to comment, then the Clash started singing I am bored with the USA, and I can not add more to the discussion than that.

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  29. Now let's get into the chrisfuckinlee thing for a second. How many fucking refs does the NHL employ? And are they all regionally employed? Send this fucking stupid cock out west for a week or two - I mean - come on!!

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    1. Rigged I tells ya. No way crisfuckinglee and timfuckingpeel can explain why they get so many Habs games.

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    2. I am spechless about timfickinglee. without speech. it really boggles the mind

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    3. *chrisfuckinglee. i get him and timfuckingpeel mixed up. for obvious reasons

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    1. showered twice, maybe I should have taken off the shirt the first time

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  31. fine work moe!

    DIE LEAF DIE

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    1. I am going to have to call for a video review of the leaf in caps, waiting for the judgement of others

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  32. an hour to puck drop, I am going from side to side on the keyboard just hoping I dont make a game breaking comment

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  33. tiger Cheats at Golf, his ex wife says surprise

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  34. Question for the cult, she sells santuary, but is there a cooling off period?

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  35. I just know the CBC stream is going to be in Punjabi again. Thats what happens when you outsource all your IT.

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  36. PJ now singing about PJ, nothingman

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  37. tsn scrapes their barrel of bile to find a leaf 'rivalry' advantage, PFK's junior team lost to kadri's. Just give them the Cup. Sick fucks. (BTW, that fucking weird angle comes from tsn's newest little leaf masturbating ferret who corkscrewed himself into the 'story' saying 'he' has never seen the Habs vs. his leaf in a playoff series).

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  38. holy fuck the games in 3D how did they do that?

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  39. I would rather miss the playoffs than give Gravol over five mill

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  40. RDS is still showing the Masters. I have to watch CBC. ugh.

    GYFHG

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  41. Just finished making Coquille St-Jacques and I am abso-fucking-lutely exhausted. Seriously. And the kitchen is a disaster. I should have used the easy way and sprinkled bread crumbs on top but I had to be all proper and spring for mashed potatoes. Extra pot to wash AND calories. It was delicious but laying on the couch watching the game sounds like best way to get out of my food coma right now. And what a game it will be!

    Anyways, FUCK TORONTO. GYFHG!!!

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    1. sounds delish! im sure it was worth the extra cleaning

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    2. Great job on the preview, moe!

      Easiest (!) recipe I've found if anyone want to take a whack at it: http://www.food.com/recipe/seafood-coquille-st-jacques-50223

      I've tweaked it to get it just right.

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  42. its all here right here right now, there is no tomorrow except Sunday

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  43. RDS on the air thank god. i was sick after 4 minutes of cbc

    HANG ON BOYS

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    1. Look down below, I did it for the FHF team.

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  44. Sick fuck mclame praises the produced entry video clip which contained almost no Habs (except a goal on TFS™ and a check on CCR).

    Um, chicken counting cockroaches, Habs are already in the playoffs.

    heel says leaf have strength and braun. Sure.

    dave amber (ex-tsn sick leaf loving fuck), kesseltracks.

    heel, tronna imposes it's physical will. Then has no choice but to mention PFK+Vodkov combo.

    hughsimpson yip about Kid-G.

    hughsimpson wish for the leaf lines to be 'magic'.

    kevin weekes, one of the few cockroaches with a modicum of integrity, talks about Montreal's 'small' forwards. He likes them.

    Piece of shit stuck to a piece of shit bjstuck says something. Favours leaf in 7 game series. leaf hasn't made the playoffs yet.

    mclame is 'concerned' about the Habs size. Sure.

    Fried man yips about belinda, who, on the record, says he really hates the Habs.

    mclame praises céline in Game 1 vs. Habs, big, fucking, deal.

    Classless Fried man says teams are very similar. Break it down player for player you sick fuck. "They are not boston'.

    All four now describing the Habs vs. leaf playoff series. bjstuck and Fried man are sad kessel doesn't get respect.

    mclame says leaf PK doesn't get the credit they deserve. Amber yips the upcoming Habs vs. leaf non-playoff series.

    mclame chokes up and says PFK might be Norris-worthy. Fried man is still counting PFK's minutes. I will go on the record that the CotU will squeeze every possible excuse out of their asses to not give him votes.

    PFK should get an award for the best interviews.

    mclame says Habs and leaf 'are the same'. 24 Cups vs. 11 (2 were bought). Also, no children raped at the Forum (and it took Ken Dryden to wash that fucking blemish the CotU mediots hid for years).

    cockroaches will do a Fried man feature on one of the leaf goons. Is fraser a nice guy off the ice? Probably is. The only thing genuine about Fried man's personality pieces are the people, Fatfaced Fried man, an avowed leaf fan buffers his career with puff.

    mclame calls cherry a 'hero'. Rod Stewart's stomach cavity has nothing on mclame's. Urban legend?

    PetrollAndi sings from the same song sheet of a Habs vs. leaf playoff series. Meme?

    'burn the boats'? WTF?

    Racist foster hewitt revived in an official Stanley Cup playoffs ad. Wow. Also, leaf hasn't made it to the dance yet. Inside job?

    mclame gets all choked up yipping about, tiger williams.

    For a big city (noticed I did not type world class), very few pretty ladies in their barn. Lots of really ugly, fat, pasty white boys.

    Outro video is 67% leaf.

    NB - the footage these fucks 'own' belongs to all of us. I may go down to the cockroach offices and ask that I be allowed to make use of it. What do you think?

    mclame squeezes that he wants a Habs leaf rivalry. Blame your team asshole.

    amber makes me ill. Brings back the leaf 6-0 win.

    Fried man yips Habs vs. leaf playoff series. leaf hasn't made the playoffs.

    bjstuck says something, re-quotes POS heel.

    Finally someone mentions the Habs 5-2 destructive humbling of their team.

    I am drinking negroni. That's powerful stuff.

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  45. Smoked salmon with crispy tortilla chips and steamed crab legs.

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    1. I ♥ Moey.

      (I am having bacon fat fried schnitzel with mango chutney and garlic mashed).

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    2. Ooh. *licks chops*

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    3. Food & hockey ♥

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  47. I may be rather quiet because the CBC stream is fucked up as usual, every time I go small screen full screen its another silverado commericial, I have yet to see a second of hockey

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  48. A collective cockroach splooge.

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  49. I need a drink right fucking now.

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  50. kadri draws penalties like flies to shit.

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  51. Can't find a good stream. leaf already scored. Terrible Sunday morning thus far.

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  52. heel with the playoff series that isn't meme.

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  53. hughsimpson, 'Prust is worse for wear'. Really?

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  54. Ah, CBC
    "The Habs had a chance to clinch a playoff spot this week."
    "It's one thing to make the playoffs, it's another to BELIEVE you can make it. The leafs are there! They're playing so well!, etc."

    The CBC and the leaf are like new parents. No matter what is said, somehow it always relates to their little precious baby. And no baby is as special as theirs.

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  55. Put in Budaj. FFS.

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  56. Ok, get Price the fuck out of there.

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  57. Um, maybe I should clean up.

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  58. 2 goals on 3 shots. Good thing we have the best goalie in the league, otherwise it'd be 3-0!

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  59. my worst nightmare now

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  60. This is a disaster. Price's head is up his arse.

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  61. Jesus christ. Can we please get an NHL goalie?

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  62. Preview of the playoffs? *shudders*

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  63. Cue the comeback!!!

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  64. Switching to RDS. Can't take the splooge.

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  65. Did I mention negroni is powerful stuff?

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  66. Two games this year the Habs decide to shit the bed. Both against the leaf. Well, Price decided to shit the bed tonight anyway.

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  67. Can we finally admit that Carey Price is not the goalie who will win the Cup for the Canadiens?

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    1. You're not allowed to question the "GREATEST GOALTENDER EVER".

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    2. Oh yeah, I forgot. Sorry! ;-)

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  68. Dr Drew, the goal scoring Dr

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  69. carlyle hockey, sending his goon to take on the Habs' best player.

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  70. we are back in the game, hockey is such a simple sport when the goalie makes a save

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  71. Just getting in - somewhat late to the party - apologies - oh wait - WTF! Fuck I should have stayed at the pub! Never mind - I am channeling the spirit of Juce - join me - these are the fuckin leaf for Christ sake - as I write this - FUCK Yeah - DR DREW! - come on everyone - give it mutherfucking loud!!!! GO HABS GO! GO HABS GO!!!!!

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  72. GO HABS GO! GO HABS GO! GO HABS GO! GO HABS GO! GO HABS GO! GO HABS GO! GO HABS GO! GO HABS GO! GO HABS GO! GO HABS GO! GO HABS GO! GO HABS GO! GO HABS GO! GO HABS GO! GO HABS GO! GO HABS GO! juce! GO HABS GO! GO HABS GO! GO HABS GO! GO HABS GO! GO HABS GO! GO HABS GO! GO HABS GO! GO HABS GO! GO HABS GO! GO HABS GO! GO HABS GO! GO HABS GO!

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    1. O HABS GO! GO HABS GO! GO HABS GO! GO HABS GO! GO HABS GO! GO HABS GO! GO HABS GO! GO HABS GO! GO HABS GO! GO HABS GO! GO HABS GO! GO HABS GO! GO HABS GO! GO HABS GO! GO HABS GO! GO HABS GO! juce! GO HABS GO! GO HABS GO! GO HABS GO! GO HABS GO! GO HABS GO! GO HABS GO! GO HABS GO! GO HABS GO! GO HABS GO! GO HABS GO! GO HABS GO! GO HABS GO!

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  73. now we are seeing leaf hockey

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  74. Worst Stones song ever.

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  75. nice uncalled head shot

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  76. it's very Toronto quiet in there. and they're up 3-1. they're nervous

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  77. oh fuck me. i jinxed it

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  78. oh fuck me is this a magic puck

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  79. How is this period not over yet???

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  80. Is this some sort of sick joke?

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  81. This is their Cup kidz.

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  82. what's the NHL record for shooting percentage (team) in a game? Leaf might beat it

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  83. Cue the comeback!

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  84. The guys actually are playing well, but now they're scared of allowing a shot, so they're going to make mistakes.

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  85. I'm telling you kidz, kadri is the next tucker.

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  86. another cheap headshot by the Jackal

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  87. You can cry and defend Kadri all you want CBC, it's a penalty.

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  88. Replies
    1. What are you excited about? They haven't even entered their 2nd period suck yet.

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  89. ruff ruff period says the dog

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  90. Most pathetic line so far, " oh look they're showing Kadri respect by putting out their best D men against him." Are you fucking kidding me?

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  91. Time to turn off CBC before I see Cherry jerk off all over the camera.

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  92. lots of time to win this one, aside from the net we are winning, winning like Charlie Sheen, tiger blood all over the ice

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  93. Unbelievable. Who is this team???

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  94. Just leave the fucking net empty.

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  95. We are never going to hear the end of this.

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    1. We still hear about the other game. At least we didn't get shut out this time.....?

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  96. TSN is probably looking up synonyms for "beating" so it can refer to it every 3 sentences.

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    1. They've used every synonym since Feb. 9th. Habs are to blame for giving them the luxury.

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  97. Really, only 2 guys didn't show up for this game. Unfortunately, they were both our goalies. Habs have completely outplayed them, but we'll never hear that in the summaries.

    I'm sure the guys are just going to give up trying now. What's the point of pressing if every dump in finds the back of the net. Don't really blame them.

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  98. 29 better still be alive. This ain't worth dying over. Next? Suivant?

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  99. time to experiment MT

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  100. So anyway, GO WHALERCANES!

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  101. I am going to close my eyes until we score

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  102. A 4 against 1?!?!?! *rubs eyes*

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    1. The craziest thing about that was there was a quick turn around, but yet there were still no Habs behind the play. Did they all just run to the bench or something?

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    2. Methinks they've given up. Fuck this.

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  103. When it rains...

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  104. http://fourhockeyfans.blogspot.ca/2013/04/hang-on-boys.html

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  105. Tonight's ice cream is rocky road, right?

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