|Your 4HF corespondent in happier times|
Hello, I'm HabsFan29. You may remember me from such posts as "Man these Habs Suck" and "Squid and Big Tits will lead us to the Cup" and "Boy these strippers are hot!". I worked in an oeuvre, and I was good at it dammit. I've been around for a while. But I will freely admit I have not been around much this season. Ugh, this season...
It is currently Tuesday night when I have begun drafting this post. I am watching the Raptors play the Heat. Don't worry, I won't be watching the whole game. I'll be switching over to some Philip K Dick Electric Dreams I have piled up on the PVR very shortly (UPDATE - hellooooo lesbian Anna Paquin!), or Black Mirror S4 which I have to get to. But as I watch this basketball game (and think about probably watching the entirety of the Raps-Cavs game later this week), a terrible thought strikes me. I am pretty sure I have watched more Raptors basketball this season than Habs hockey. Confession #1.
So yes, Confession #2, I am actually interested in Raptors basketball. I am not sure I "root" for them per se, but I do very much enjoy basketball (I was starting point guard on a McGill Intramural "B" champion team!) and having a Canadian NBA team to be "interested" in keeps me occupied. Now, I would never root for, or even be "interested" in, a Toronto team if there was an equivalent Montreal team. It killed me when Toronto FC won the MLS Cup. And don't get me started on Marc Trestman leading the Argos to a Grey Cup; that was like my worst fucking nightmare. But there is no Montreal NBA team. And the Raptors are good, fun, competitive, they work hard, are practically unbeatable in their own building, have interesting players, have revamped their offense this year to an open up-tempo playing style, have excellent management and coaching, and are high up in the Eastern Conference standings.
None of those things can currently be said about the Habs.
This season has been a mess from the get-go. There was a brief stretch back in November (? maybe? early December? I don't know, I have no interest in looking that crap up) where we looked competitive, had a nice little run and were back in playoff contention and .500-ish. That did not last long! My interest was piqued for like 5 days. Since then, Confession # 3, I don't think I have watched any Habs game except for the Heritage "Classic". I only watched that game because it was "special". It may have turned me off hockey forever. With this team, my interest in watching hockey is.... meh. At best.
Does that make me a bandwagon fan?
It's possible! I have been wrestling with that question for several weeks or even months now. A few weeks ago, moeman reminded me that I had agreed to do this Bs preview. It then struck me - I have no fucking idea what the hell is up with this team this season. Because I haven't been watching! I barely even know the players! That is bad for blogging. So I decided I would do some Googling to see what the old lamestream media is saying about the Habs. Here are some sample headlines, from like the last 5 days:
- What the Puck: Time to fire Montreal Canadiens GM Marc Bergevin
- Canadiens could be on cusp of long, painful retooling
- Countdown to TradeCentre: Preds and Pacioretty?
- Analyze This: Canadiens' lack of puck-movers leaves offence in tatters
- It’s time for Bergevin to turn page on Canadiens’ season
Well that's just... terrible. But it does give me some comfort at least, knowing that it's not me, it's you. It seems to be close to consensus that this season is garbage and worth throwing away. IN FUCKING JANUARY. Fuck me.
But we're back to the whole bandwagon question. Obviously, it's much more fun to root for a winning team. And to watch them! We don't have a winning team to watch right now. But a good fan, a real fan, keeps on top of things no matter how shitty things are. Oh sure, I could make a lot of excuses about how I don't have the time to watch hockey anymore. I am very busy with my legal practice, I now have some sort of prestigious teaching position at a leading Canadian law school, and I have plenty of other shit going on that you don't even know about. But that's bullshit. It is now Thursday evening as I pick up writing this draft, and I am literally doing nothing except drinking Jim Beam Double Oak (delish!) and watching crappy season 20 Simpsons reruns on FXX. Boy these late seasons are terrible. Point is, I have time. And I have had time in these last several months to watch at least some Habs games. But Confession #3, I don't want to. We suck, 2 wins in a a row notwithstanding. I barely even knew we just had a break week - I wasn't watching anyway.
Look, I don't think I have to explain my Habs bona fides to you people. I have been watching the Habs since 1975. I am sure I have told the story many times about how my earliest memory - not just my earliest hockey memory but my earliest memory, period - is watching the Habs play the Red Army in that New Year's Eve game in 1975. Some other early memories are my grandpa taking me to games in the early 80s before he died and telling me about how he was at the Richard Riot. I was at both the '86 and '93 Cup riots, in the middle of Ste Catherine Street both times. I treasure the freak half home - half away jersey I wear proudly that I bought in the gift shop of the old Forum like 25 years ago. A close friend once asked me to borrow that jersey for something, and I told him to fuck off. I started a pretty damn successful blog about the Habs and worked like a maniac to make it so. I bleed bleu blanc rouge.
But right now? I have no fucking desire to watch this team whatsoever. If that makes me a bandwagon fan, so be it.
Confession #4, I feel bad about that. I especially feel bad for you people, and this blog, who I feel I have abandoned in some way. I especially feel bad for Saint Paddy, who has injected some amazing and creative new blood in the midst of a fuck up of a throwaway season. And for my good friend moe, who works tirelessly to keep things going no matter what. It was the Best of Times, it was the Worst of Times. But in some ways, Confession #5, I don't give a shit anymore. Or at least I don't give a shit right now. We are only 8 points out of 8th in the Conference (with two games in hand!) so I guess anything is still possible. I'll jump back on that bandwagon when it comes rolling by (it won't).
Now that that's off my chest, I would like to make several other confessions, in no particular order of importance, in old-school TMS bullet point format:
- I don't do, and have never done, meth. That was all an act for humour-related purposes;
- I do smoke (and ingest) plenty of weed (it's ok it's practically legal!), and have done many other miscellaneous drugs in my life. Guess which ones!
- I am currently afraid to move my couch to see what dirt is behind there. I often pick my nose and just toss the boogers back there. At the same time, my kitchen sink, toilet, and bathtub are spotless, shining with cleanliness;
- The same cannot be said for my throw rug in the den. I'm just gonna throw that thing out;
- I do not particularly like Star Wars. Not just the latest movie, that entire universe. A bunch of space cowboys and puppets and some vague Empire do not sci-fi make. Go read about a real empire;
- The process for grading University-level law courses is a fucking joke;
- I often fantasize that my asshole neighbour who plays crappy loud music that makes my floors shake and drives me crazy will be deported back to his home country, one of those "shithole countries" President Dumbfuck is on about. I worry this makes me racist;
- I am almost 50 years old (this September!) and I still eat Kraft Dinner. Now, don't get me wrong, I can (and do) make a Mac 'n Cheese from scratch that is amazing - real bechamel, so much cheese, and butter, and baked with Italian bread crumbs and more butter on top. And I use pipette rigate instead of macaroni because it is the best pasta for such a preparation. But fuck, sometimes you just need KD. Need proof? Here's proof, next to a well-known oven mitt to prove authenticity:
- Yes, that's a can of baked beans next to the KD. I often eat baked beans from a can. I can (and do) make baked beans in the oven from scratch, with bacon, beer, fresh tomatoes, and tons of other delicious stuff that's a secret. But sometimes you just need a can of beans. Here, you can see the beans I use for the homemade beans that take FIVE FUCKING HOURS, AFTER SOAKING THEM OVERNIGHT:
- Yes, that is a jar of Nutella hiding behind the beans. I will often just stick a spoon in the Nutella jar and eat it. That's good stuff. I remind you, I am almost 50 years old;
- I masturbate frequently. I remind you, I am almost 50 years old.
Well I think that's enough confessing.
Oh hey hockey! Yes, there is a hockey game to be played! Habs-Bs! First one of the year! (In fucking January???) Habs-Bs on a Saturday night is always exciting and interesting. Well maybe not this year. Anyway, let's do this thing! I may even watCH the game. When I'm not watching the NFL Playoffs. Or Raps-Warriors. Or paint drying.