(make a) Pre-dick-shun ~ leaf

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Is there a doctor in the house? IceCaps-Laffs Open Thread

WARNING GRUESOME BLOODY BROKEN BENT FINGER PICTURE IN THIS POST.

Uhhh, sorry.

Kidz! Greetings! Tis I, your once and future mom wanted me to be a nice Jewish doctor and now is tremendously disappointed in me past glorious leader HF29. Your current glorious leader moe had some last minute out of town business and asked me to justify my Rolaids^® Relief Blogger of the Year Award of 2014 with a quick fill in post. Put me in coaCH!

I should be informed. I should CHeck who's playing.

[/checks Habs roster]

Have I been in a coma? The fuck? I have no idea what's going on. According to HI/O, these were the forward lines in practice yesterday:

DanO - PatCHes - CHé
Ghetto - PleXXXe - Leko
MitCHell - Carr - Flynn
Scherbak - McCarron - Farnham

I guess some of those people sound vaguely familiar. On the bright side, while learning about that SCHerbak dude I found out there is a WHL team called the Everett Silvertips. I then learned there is a town called Everett. It's in Washington. I then learned that a silvertip is another name for a grizzly bear. Learning is fun! Also, DDD is still injured. That's another bright side.

Oh yeah fuck the Leaf. I covered that in a previous relief appearance. I will add that since then, this morning the SFU is in a tizzy because the Leaf are currently sitting in a playoff spot!!! VERY EXCITING!!!1!!!11!! IT'S A NEW AGE IN TRONNA PEOPLE.

Fuck 'em all. GYFHG.

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I want all these people to #epicfail ~ Game 9 Laffs

Greetings 4HFers! 'Tis I, your once and past glorious leader HF29 giving our current and future glorious leader a well-deserved day off. 3 games in 4 nights and throw in a Sexy Friday would have killed anybody. Hell, it's amazing moe isn't dead already with all his hard work. ANYWAY.

So yeah the Leafs. Fuck them all in the fucking head. You know, I spent the last many many years being pretty indifferent about them. Sure, there was some schadenfreude with their suckitude, but really their suckitude was so sucky you just couldn't really get up any good hate. And if there is anything Habs fans know, it's hate. Hell, I could just spend the rest of this post listing the things related to hockey I hate. Last year if I had made that list the Leafs would barely be on it. Sure, the SFU's coverage of the Leafs would be near the top of the list, but as for the actual team? Meh. I hated Toronto FC more.

Flash back to April 30, 2016, and that changed bigly. The NHL draft lottery was won by those assholes in suits and Leaf-blue ties up there in the banner pic, and a consensus number one pick would be theirs. Flash forward and back to October 12, when said number one pick scored 4 goals in his debut. OMFG kill me. The mediots leaped on this moment as the Leafs now had the second coming of Sid the Kid and Jesus all rolled into one. My blood boiled. I could not turn on TSN for days. And for me any day without watching the love of my life Natasha Stani-whatever is like a day without sunshine. GRRRRRRRRRR 29 angry.

And here's the thing. The fucking Laffs LOST that game. The mediots barely mentioned that point, as it was undoubtedly messing with their narrative about how great their team was and how great the front office was for winning a lottery. Leafs fans after that game? Don't even get me started. I was really starting to hate the Leaf again. It felt good!

Now, I am a lifelong Montrealer. But here's a dirty secret of mine. As I have grown older, I am no longer one of those "hate everything Toronto" Montrealers. The bars stay open late now, they have some fine restaurants, I do lots of business there, and many of my very close friends live there. They are all ex-Montrealers, but still. I even openly root for the Raptors. I don't really root for the Jays per se, but I am not one of those Montreal Jays-haters (even though they did vote to contract the Expos, so fuck 'em a little). So really, I don't hate the Leafs just because they are in Toronto.

I hate the Leafs because they think they are God's gift to hockey because their name popped up in a fucking lottery after they were crappy enough to finish 30th so they would have good odds. Fuck them all in the fucking (Bab)cock. Let them all #epicfail miserably. DIE LEAF DIE. GYFHG.

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Theatre of the fucking absurd Game day (Preview and Open Thread) ~ Playoff-bound Habs vs. circus of cockroaches bread & butter team

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WAITING FOR DAVE KEON (apologies to Monsieur Beckett)

Scene opens with pjiji sitting on a mound of shit, trying to remove his boot from his ass. mclamo approaches him.

BOBBIBON: Nothing to be done.

ARMSTRON: Did you ever read the blue Bible?

BOBBIBON: The blue Bible . . . (He reflects.) I must have taken a look at it.

ARMSTRON: Do you remember the Gospels according to Hewitt?

BOBBIBON: No.

ARMSTRON: Shall I tell it to you?

BOBBIBON: No.

ARMSTRON: It'll pass the time, lotsa fucking time. (Pause.) Two leaf, crucified at the same time as Their FranCHise Saviour™.

BOBBIBON: Their what?

ARMSTRON: Their FranCHise Saviour™. Two leaf. The Next One® is supposed to have been kissed and the other . . . (he searches for the contrary of saved) . . . tracked.

BOBBIBON: Saved from what?

ARMSTRON: Hell.

BOBBIBON: (with exaggerated enthusiasm). I find this really most extraordinarily interesting.

ARMSTRON: But one of the five says that only The Next One® of the two was kissed.

BOBBIBON: Well? They don't agree and that's all there is to it.

ARMSTRON: But all five were there. And only one speaks of a leaf being kissed. Why believe him rather than the others?

BOBBIBON: Who believes him?

ARMSTRON: Everybody. It's the only version they show.

BOBBIBON: People are bloody ignorant apes.

He rises painfully, goes limping to extreme left, halts, gazes into distance off with his hand screening his eyes, turns, goes to extreme right, gazes into distance. ARMSTRON watches him, then goes and picks up the shit-laden boot, peers into it, drops it hastily. CHarming spot. (He turns, advances to front, halts facing morgue-like auditorium.) Inspiring prospects. (He turns to ARMSTRON) Let's go.

ARMSTRON: We can't.

BOBBIBON: Why not?

ARMSTRON: We're waiting for Keon.

BOBBIBON: (despairingly). Ah! (Pause.) You're sure it was here?

ARMSTRON: He said by the tree. (They look at the tree.) Do you see any others?

BOBBIBON: Where are the leaf?

ARMSTRON: It must be dead. He said Saturday. (Pause.) I think.

BOBBIBON: (very insidious). But what Saturday? And is it Saturday? Is it not rather Sunday? (Pause.) Or Monday? (Pause.) Or Friday?

ARMSTRON: (looking wildly about him, as though the date was inscribed in the CotU landscape). It's not possible!

BOBBIBON: Or any day?

ARMSTRON: What'll we do?

BOBBIBON: Let's hang ourselves immediately!

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Get your cbcickness bags ready FHFers.

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